The Brad Who Stole Christmas
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: Parody of a Christmas classic... not suitable for children or people with no sense of humor... rating for language and suggestive content


The Brad Who Stole Christmas 

by Yanagi-sen, Miki, and Yachii

Weiss Kreuz parody

Usual disclaimers apply, and I didn't write the original story… I think you can figure out who did, but I'm going to apologize to Dr. Seuss right now…

Warnings: silliness, generally demented…

The idea for this demented little thing actually came from the Manga class I teach.  A bunch of us were sitting around and this just popped into my head.  Miki was in my class and though it was a cool idea, she will be drawing a pic for it, eventually.  ^__^  Yachii heard about it and wanted to help.  Several of the jokes included will make a lot more sense if you've read Jean D's awesome fic Dysfunctional.  Even if you haven't, sit back and enjoy this sad sad parody of a Christmas classic.  (And if you haven't read the original Grinch by Dr. Seuss… shame on you!)

(Yanagi: Places everyone, places… everyone ready?  *clears throat* )

Every _Who_

Down in _Who_-ville

Liked Christmas a lot…

But Brad Crawford,

Who lived just north of _Who_-ville,

Did NOT!

(Brad:  Why do I have to be the Grinch character?

Yanagi:  Who else was I going to cast in that part?

Brad: True…

Yan: Just keep going.)

Brad Crawford _hated_ Christmas!  All the Christmas fun!

Now, don't ask why. Or he'll shoot you with his gun. 

It _could_ be that he'd never been screwed just right.

It _could_ be, perhaps, that his ass was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

(Schu: Good thing you didn't say his…

Yan: Okay… moving on…)

But,

Whatever the reason,

His heart or his ass,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, with a bad case of gas,

Staring down from his cave with a sour, Crawford frown

At the bright lighted windows below in the town.

For he knew every _Who_ down in _Who_-ville beneath

Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

(Brad: Assassins hang wreaths?

Yan:  Why not?  It's mistletoe… you know… kissing and all that…

Brad: Makes sense now.  *glances over to where Schu and Youji are necking* )

"And they're hanging their stockings!"  he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas!  It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Brad fingers nervously drumming,

"I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"  

(Brad: Or was that Schu?

Yan:  Excuse me?  Story people!)

For, Tomorrow, he knew…

… Horny _Who_ girls and boys

Would wake bright and early.  They'd rush for their toys!  

(Youji:  And what types of toys are we talking here?

Yan:  With you guys, what do you think?  Now I'm trying to work here.

Youji: Sorry…)

And _then!_  Oh, the noise!  Oh, the Noise!  Noise!  Noise!  Noise!

That's _one_ thing he hated!  The NOISE!  NOISE!  NOISE!  NOISE!

(Schu:  Cause he wasn't getting any?

Yan:  Behave!

Ran: Lost cause.

Yan: I know.)

Then the _Whos_, young and old, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast!  _And they'd feast!_

And they'd FEAST!  FEAST!  FEAST!  FEAST!

They would feast on _Who_-pudding, and rare _Who_-roast-beast

Which was something Crawford couldn't stand in the least!

(Schu:  Why, Brad?

Brad: It has this gamy taste…

Schu: Oh, I see.

Yan:  Excuuuuse me?  Trying to tell a story here?!)

And THEN

They'd do something

He liked least of all!

Every_ Who_ down in _Who_-ville, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand.  And the _Whos_ would start singing!

(Schu: Or 'something' in hand…

Yan: WHY are you still out here?!

Schu: Okay, okay, I'm going… don't look at me like that… that evil teacher look…

Yan: And don't you forget it!)

They'd sing!  _And they'd sing!_

AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more Crawford thought of this _Who_-Christmas-Sing,

The more Crawford thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

"Why, for twenty-six years I've put up with it now!

"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!

… _but HOW?"_

(Ran: We get to shoot Santa?

Yan: *exasperated*  No, you do NOT get to shoot Santa.

Ran: How about an elf then… he won't miss an elf…

Yan: Go throw your sword at a helicopter or something.

Ran: Grrrrrr…)

Then he got an idea!

_An awful idea!_

CRAWFORD GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

(Nagi: Uh oh… Brad's got an idea.

Omi: That's not good.

Nagi: Not usually.

Omi: Well… for the other guys anyways.

Yan: Um, Omi… this time YOU are the 'other guys'.

Omi: Oh shit.

Nagi: Yeah… let's go hide…

Yan: Have fun boys… at least you play OFFSTAGE!  *glares at the random horny _Whos_, aka Schu and Youji, who have progressed beyond necking and are looking for any available horizontal surface* )

"I know _just_ what to do!"  Crawford laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.

(Brad: I absolutely refuse to put that on, it is beneath my dignity.

Yan: Shut up and put it on.

Brad: Grrr)

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Crawford trick!

"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"

(Schu: Hey, Santa Brad… I've been a goood boy this year.

Ran: No you haven't.

Schu: He said I was good last night when we…

Yan: Okay!!  TMI… )

"All I need is a lackey…"

Crawford looked around.

But, since good lackeys are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop Crawford…?

No!  Crawford simply said,

"If I can't _find_ a lackey, I'll _make_ one instead!"

So he called his dog, Farf.  Then he took some red thread

And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

(Brad: *evil Braddy grin*  I get lackeys…

Yan: Okay, so I know Farf isn't really a dog, just work with me people!  Bark for the good readers, Farfie.

Farf: Woof.

Yan: Good Farf, have a biscuit.)

THEN

He loaded some bags

He'd emptied of their cargo

On a ramshackle sleigh

And hitched up the Psycho.

(Brad: NO!  I refuse to ride in anything other then my BMW.

Yan: Fine, fine, take the car, just stop messing up my story!)

Then Crawford said, "Let's go!"

And the car started down

Toward the homes where the _Whos_

Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark.  Quiet moans filled air.

All the _Whos_ were all dreaming wet dreams without care.

When he came to the first little house on the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Braddy Claus hissed

And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

(Brad: *looks down the chimney and jumps back down*  Absolutely not… I'll get my glasses dirty.

Yan:  Then.Go.In.Another.Way… )

Then he picked the lock and he opened the door.

Assassins should have better security he swore.

He snuck through the house, on silent stockinged feet,

Casing the joint that he'd picked from the street.

Found the mantel with _Who_ stockings all hung in a row.

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the _first_ things to go!"

(Brad: Do I REALLY have to touch these…

Yan: Yes.

Brad: *donning a pair of latex gloves* )

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he took every present!

Sub-machine guns! And knives!  Roller blades! Drums!

Hello Kitty Vibrator!  Diamonds!  And plums!

And he stuffed them in bags.  Then Crawford, the schemer,

Called in his lackey to load up the Beamer!

(Omi:  Waaaiiii… he stole my Hello Kitty Vibrator…

Nagi: He'll bring it back, remember the story.  Besides why do you need that when you have me?

Omi: But it's Hello Kitty…

Yan: Psst.. Omi… your big scene is coming up…

Omi: Oh!  I need to change.  *bounces off stage*

Yan: I think I'm scared.

Nagi: I know I am. )

Then he slunk to the icebox.  He took the _Whos'_ feast!

He took the _Who_-pudding!  He took the roast beast!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why, that Brad even took their last can of _Who_-hash!

(Farf:  *cackling*

Yan:  I'm afraid to ask, but what's so funny?

Farf: Is _Who_-hash made out of real _Whos_?

Yan: *sigh*  I know I'm going to regret this… No, Farf.

Farf: Grrr…

Yan: Hey Farf… did you know making snow angels hurts God?

Farf:  Really?

Yan: Yup.  *Farf immediately leaves to go roll in the snow*

Brad:  Good save.

Yan: Thanks. )

Then he stuffed all the food in the trunk with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned Crawford, "I will stuff up the tree!"

(Schu: Gonna stuff it up your…

Brad: Don't say it… unless you want to sleep on the couch for a week.

Schu: But, Braaaaaaaadddddd…

Yan: He whines worse than most students I know.

Brad: I know… I know… Between him and Princess… )

And Brad grabbed the tree, and he started to shove

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small _Who!_

Little Omi-Lou _Who_, dressed in a pink nightgown size two.

(Nagi: I don't believe it… a pink teddy… 

Yan:  In his hair… are those…

Nagi: Pink bows… *sigh*

Yan: You do your best.

Nagi: Thanks… I need an aspirin…

Yan: Lie down… you'll feel better.)

Brad has been caught by the _Who_ cross-dresser

Who'd stumbled upon the Christmas oppressor.

He stared with teary, blue eyes and said, "Santy Brad, why,

"_Why_ are you taking our Christmas tree?  WHY?"

(Schu: Gag me…

Youji: Can I?

Yan: Gentleman… and I use that term loosely.)

But, you know, that old Brad was so smart and so slick  (No comments from the peanut gallery!)

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," 

(Nagi:  Tot's here!

Yan: No, Nagi, relax.  Go back to bed; Omi-Lou will be back in soon.

Nagi: Okay, as long as SHE'S not here…

Yan: Okay, Brad, continue.

Brad:  Don't call me that!

Yan: Give it a rest!  Come on, we gotta deadline here!  I'd like this done BEFORE Christmas.)

"Why my sweet little… um… child,"  the fake Santy Clause lied,

"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

"I'll fix it up _there_.  Then I'll bring it back _here_."

(Omi: Do you really think I'm gonna buy that?  
Yan: Just pretend.

Omi: Okay. )

And his fib fooled the child.  Then he patted his head

And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.

And when Omi-Lou _Who_ went to bed with his cup,

HE went to the car and stuffed the tree up!

(Schu:  Up his…

Brad: *glare*

Schu: Um, never mind…)

The _last_ thing he took

Was the log for their fire!

Then he left the house, himself, the old liar.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

(Youji:  Oooh, wire.

Yan: Yotan!  That wasn't your cue!

Youji:  Oops, sorry.  I'll go wait with Ran.

Yan: No nookie backstage!)

And the one speck of food

That he left in the house

Was a crumb that was too small for Ken-ken the mouse.

(Ken: Why do I have to be the mouse?

Yan: Cause it's the smallest part.  *snickers*

Ken: Oh, okay… I guess…  *wanders off*

Yan: Sucker!)

Then

He did the _same_ thing

To the _other Whos'_ houses

Leaving crumbs

Much too small

For the other _Whos'_ mouses!

(Ken: Yanagi?

Yan: What Ken?

Ken: Do I get to be all the mouses… err, mice or just the one?

Yan: Whichever you want, Ken-ken.

Ken: Okay.  *wanders off again*

Youji: How sad…

Schu: Yeah…

Yan: Umm, can we continue? )

It was quarter past dawn…

All the _Whos_, still a-bed,  (do you really think they'd be moving this early?)

All the _Whos,_ still a-snooze

When he packed up his sled,  (umm, BMW)

Packed it up with their presents!  The ribbons!  The wrappings!

The tags!  And the tinsel!  The trimmings!  The trappings!  

(Omi: And my new Hello Kitty vibrator.

Ken: And my new soccer ball.

Nagi: And my new laptop.

Ran: And my new katana.

Omi: New katana?  Ooops.

Ran: What do you mean 'oops'?

Yan: Boys!  Not now!

Ran:  What do you mean…)

Three thousand feet up!  Up the side of Mt. Fuji,

He rode with his load and Farf his stoogey.  (Ok, YOU try to rhyme 'Fuji'…)

"Pooh-Pooh to the _Whos_!"  he was Brad-ish-ly humming.

(Brad: Pooh-Pooh?

Yan: Shhh.)

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

"They're just waking up!  I know _just_ what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

"Then the _Whos_ down in _Who_-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!

"That's a noise," grinned Crawford,

"That I simply MUST  hear!"

So he paused.  And Brad put his hand to his ear.

And he _did_ hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low.  Then it started to grow…

(Youji:  Is that our cue?

Yan: Does it sound like your cue?

Schu:  I don't know… sounds like fun to me…

Yan: Go back and wait!)

But the sound wasn't _sad!_

Why, this sound sounded _merry!_

It _couldn't_ be so!

But it WAS merry!  VERY!

(Youji: That's defiantly our cue.

Yan: I will let you two know when we need you.

Youji:  Fine then, we'll be in our dressing room.

Yan: Wait, you have separate dressing rooms.

Youji: Not anymore.

Yan: Damn!)

He stared down at _Who_-ville!

Crawford popped his eyes!

Then he shook!

What he saw was a shocking surprise!

(Brad:  What, no one in town was having sex?

Yan: Bradley… )

Every _Who_ down in _Who_-ville, the tall and the small,

Was singing!  Without any presents at all!

(Yan: Okay guys!  That's your cue!

Ken:  Me too?

Yan: Sure, why not… unlike Schu at least you can sing!

Schu:  Hey!

Yan: What, like you're going to dispute that fact?  Puleeze, Farf's song is better than yours.  Now get out there and PRETEND to sing like a good little German boy…

Schu:  Grrr… I'm not good.

Yan: Okay, evil little German boy.

Schu: That's better. )

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

(Brad: Kinda like Schu…

Yan: Don't encourage him!)

And Crawford, with his brad-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling:  "How _could_ it be so?

"It came without ribbons!  It came without tags!

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

(Brad: Definitely like Schu.

Ken: Or Youji.

Yan: Gentlemen… I'm trying to tell a story here…

Brad: Sorry.

Ken: Sorry, won't happen again.

Yan: Better not!)

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

_Then_ Crawford thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "_doesn't_ come from a store.

"Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!"

(Brad: I'm American.  Trust me, you can buy Christmas at the store.

Yan: You're missing the point.

Brad: Watch this.  Oh, Princess…

Ran/Aya: Yes, Brad.

Brad:  I have something for you.

Ran/Aya: Is it the katana the others forgot to get me.

Brad:  Better.  *the gleam from the diamonds momentarily blinds everyone as it reflects off Brad's glasses*

Ran/Aya:  *who is somehow immune to the blinding light* Ooooh, pretty…

Yan: You show him something shiny and sparkly…

Brad:  You CAN buy Christmas.  Now, Princess… sit on my lap and tell me what a good boy you've been…

Yan: NOT ON STAGE!!!! )

And what happened _then_…?

Well… in _Who_-ville they say

That Crawford's small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.

And he brought back the toys!  And the food for the feast!

And he…

…HE HIMSELF…!

_Brad Crawford carved the roast beast!_

(Brad: But I didn't eat any of it.

Schu:  No you prefer 'other' meat.

Yan:  Do you suppose you could WAIT till you leave…

Schu: How long has it been?

Youji: Half hour, tops.

Schu: Nope, too long.

Yan:  Well, at least take it into the dressing room… I mean… do you really want to do that in front of Omi?

*Everyone looks over to where Omi, in pink teddy and bows, is unwrapping his Hello Kitty vibrator*

Brad:  Good point.  *he hands the keys to Farf, who is now dressed as a butler*  Home, Jeeves.

Schu:  Last one in the hot tub has to fuck Ken-ken!

Ken:  Hey!

Nagi: *walks over with the bottle of aspirin*  Here… I think you need this more than I do right now.

Yan:  Thanks, at least one person understands.

Nagi: Hey, I have to live with them… )

Owari


End file.
